Cultivating Empathy in School-Parent Communications

It’s tough out there. People are struggling. Whether it is our collective post-pandemic hangover, partisan politics, or the impact of social media algorithms, it seems that many of us have an “us vs. them” mentality and are quick to feel threatened. Families are experiencing high levels of anxiety as they navigate a rapidly changing world, and this anxiety is compounded when they must make financial sacrifices—such as paying tuition. In the case of boarding school, not only is that family making a financial sacrifice, but they are also sacrificing time with their child.

In today’s environment, perhaps the most anxious school constituency are parents. And we need parents as partners—without them, we have no schools!  And then throw a struggling, unhappy child into the mix. That’s why it’s critical for school leaders to foster empathy in communications with those families to create authentic connection.

Cultivate empathy.

Families are trying to do what is best for their kids—and school leaders want that, too. But you’re coming at it from different viewpoints. Try and see things from their perspective and recognize that life is hard, people are often more fragile than they appear, and they feel vulnerable when leaving their children in other’s care. While empathy may not come easy when dealing with difficult or angry individuals, you can take steps to cultivate it.

Stanford University psychologist Jamil Zaki, PhD, describes empathy as the “psychological ‘superglue’ that connects people and undergirds cooperation and kindness” (The Economist, June 7, 2019). We could all use more cooperation and kindness, right?

Dr. Zaki goes on to explain that empathy is not a fixed trait and “is more like a skill—something we can sharpen over time and adapt to the modern world.” Here are a few ways to hone that skill:

• Learn to listen. Nobody is right 100% of the time, even you. Listen to what they have to say and ask questions to better understand their concerns. It’s possible that underneath their anger they have a point, but you’ll never get there if you react defensively.

• Be open to change. Sometimes the point they are trying to make can inspire a much-needed adjustment in your school practices. Just because it’s how things have always been done doesn’t mean it’s what your school and students need right now.

• Accept that you don’t really know their underlying issue. Families don’t always disclose why they chose your school. You may not know what difficulties their child has had. A different school doesn’t solve undiagnosed learning disabilities, difficulty making friends, or mental health challenges. It doesn’t resolve tensions at home.

• Nobody knows what the “new normal” will be. The pandemic changed the school-parent relationship, and many families and students are still dealing with the psychological fallout. The NAIS Jobs-to-Be-Done Study revealed that while the core reasons parents send their children to independent schools have not changed, many elements of the decision-making process have. Everything is still in flux and that uncertainty is impacting us all in different ways.

Set boundaries.

While cultivating empathy is crucial, so is establishing and reinforcing expectations and boundaries on the school’s end. People do not function well with a lot of ambiguity. Proactive and clear communication sets a tone that families can trust you to keep them informed and to support their child’s experience at your school.

How to set and reinforce boundaries:

School handbook: Ensure that every family acknowledges receipt of your school handbook and signs your code of conduct prior to the first day of school. In addition to your code of conduct, the handbook should include your mission statement, school calendar, policies, and procedures.

• Consider having older children sign the code of conduct as well as all adults responsible for their children’s care.
• If your enrollment management system has customizable admissions checklists, make sure both your handbook and code of conduct are on them.
• Be sure your school’s handbook is readily available in your parent portal.

Parent portal: The communications portal that is part of your student information or learning management system (Blackbaud’s is an all-in-one solution) should have as much useful, up-to-date information for families as possible. 

• Ideally, your portal should be configured to serve up student-specific information, so families see the news, schedules, forms, and communications most relevant to them when they log in. The more targeted the portal is, the more families will use it.
  • Blackbaud’s parent portal also includes customizable Resource Boards where the school can highlight the student handbook, widely used forms, contacts, and other resources families need to navigate the school year.
• Families should easily find teachers’ notes, assignments, and grades and be able to update their own information and send messages to faculty, staff, and administrators without having to search for an email address.
• No matter how intuitive you think your portal is, you cannot assume everyone will navigate it easily. Consider having an introductory online workshop for families at the beginning of each year and have useful on-demand recordings.

Your school’s mission: You represent an institution with specific values and standards. Sometimes you will have to say no, even when you empathize with a family’s situation. As a leader, you need to balance empathy with what is best for your school community as a whole. Your brand messaging should be an extension of your mission, and you can lean on this messaging to reinforce behavioral expectations and underscore the values and priorities of your school community.

Establish a human connection.

Schools are about the kids and parents will want to speak with a caring human about some of their concerns. Ensure that families have relevant contact information and can reach a person when they need to. Be very clear. For example:

• School advisors: If you want parents to contact their assigned advisors first when they are concerned about a child’s experience, have the advisors reach out at the beginning of the year to establish relationships and invite dialogue. Be proactive.
• The registrar: Ensure families understand what the registrar’s role is, who they are, and how and when to contact them.
• The business office: Who do families contact if they don’t understand their bill? If they need to adjust their payment plan? If their financial circumstances change mid-year?
• School leadership: School leaders should be visible and engaged with the parent body. Families should know the difference between the head of school and the principal, who the various deans and other school leaders are, and how to contact them when needed.
• Other contacts: Ensure families know the names of admissions officers, healthcare providers, counselors, and other key roles and how to contact them all. Have relevant staff names and contact information in the parent portal.

As a former Head of School, I know that parents can be complicated and time consuming to manage, and that management can lead to burnout. Your team may need some training to help them manage those relationships. I now offer workshops and guidance for independent schools in the areas of parent communication skills (with both remote and on-campus options), retreat facilitation to help your team better collaborate in the face of many external stresses, and crisis communications. Please reach out if you’d like to explore options.

Build community.

In the end, parents and schools want the same thing: the best environment for their children. To build a community in which everyone thrives, schools must foster empathy in their communications with families to better support students and their families. By cultivating empathy, setting clear boundaries, proactively communicating, and fostering human connections, school leaders can create a positive and supportive environment for all.